IF YOU HAD NOT READ MY LAST POST, 'ALICE IN CHAINS' THEN PLEASE DO SO BEFORE YOU READ THIS POST AS THEY COINCIDE WITH EACHOTHER, AND THIS POST WILL MAKE NO SENSE IF YOU READ IT FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alice in Chains is the beginning of a dreadful story obviously written about a girl named alice. her story starts with the ending of her own life. some people may request an explanation as to how i came up with it and WHY i'm writing this morbid story. it's how i feel. i feel like if i were to trade lives with thsi girl, i'd rather take it then be where i am now. i had friends, and i gave them up, or lost them. i had a lover (almost husband) who meant the world to me and i lost him too. every thing that has ever mattered to me in life is gone and i can't seem to get it back and so i believe, for a girl to have never experienced those feelings, wouldn't know what kind of loss it really is and this physical pain she feels would be more managable than my mental/emotional pain. i was resently suicidal. i'll admitt it. but i've vowed to my ex-lover and a dear (only) friend who may possibly be the only one who will read this, that i would not do it again, trust me, i haven't. but i've held the blade there, i've scraped it lightly on my skin and felt the addiction, the pull of pure want to just dig it into my body as hard as i can. i've felt this, only seconds before i'm writing this explanation i've felt it, i still feel it and i don't think it will ever go away. i keep looking at that razor blade and will it to make the gash, i want it too, but that of course would be selfish. why take my own life when you and my mother want me to be here. of course i love the both of you dearly but i hate this life and i just thought i'd let you know what a waste i think it truly is. i serve no purpose, just as alli serves no purpose. the only reason i'm living is for others to hurt me and i hate it. i've been hiding this since the 18th when it all happened. i've been blocking it away and not showing anything out of hopes that you'd let it go, but i can't let it go and i realy realy truly hate myself right now, and all i've wanted for the past 3 months is for me to not be here anymore, to just be in an eternaly dark place where no one can hurt me anymore, and so i'll create my own illusion and i'll find my dark place inside my mind and so forgive me if i'm not the same person i was yesterday or last week or a year ago. i never really was that person. my life has always been this. and i'm sorry it has to be this way but it's fate and that's apparently all i'm here for, all i'm good for, so one last time, i'm sorry if when we meet next, i'm not that fake girl anymore that hides her tears and fakes a smile and pretends to be alright because i'm not, i'm just a worthless girl who is slowly trapping herself inside her dark place in her mind untill the real thing comes for her and makes her forever greatful for death.
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Okay...I understand. I feel this to at times...like I should have never been born, no one cares about me...I've wanted to do it to. It's hard not to want to do it but don't...I'm glad you haven't done it for a while now and I'm proud of you for that but I feel absolutely awful that you feel like you don't belong here. But you see my very best friend....you DO belong here! IN MY HEART!!! You always have a home here and I love you very much and I feel like you belong here as my friend, like a sister even. I just want you to know that I love you and I want you here. I hope someday when you are ready aswell, I think maybe you should go in and get some help possible if things never seem to get better cause I can even go with you if you want. Hope you aren't mad at me but you are my best friend and I would feel like I've died if you took your own life.
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